So I felt like writing something tonight but I don't really have anything to talk about. I know I have missed a few Tuesday Top Tens, sorry. Sometimes I feel like no one is even reading my blogs anymore. It doesn't bother me; I've always blogged just for me. Occasionally I do get that nag that's like "ugh...sadface, no comments".
I remember back in the day when I used to make blogs of substance- what I was thinking, feeling, doing. I feel like I get on now and collect icons, make sure everyone is alive, tell everyone I'm alive as well, and log off. This ties in to what I've been saying lately about my creativity- it's all stalled up and has no place to go. I haven't done Theatre since freshman year of college. I stopped drawing months ago, and when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. I sit in front of a blank page.
When I was at work tonight, I had one of those couples where I'm asking myself "How did he get her?" I know everyone knows what I mean. You think to yourself the exact same phrase almost. I know girls do it. "I'm prettier than her. Why does she have a boyfriend and not me?" I sit around and think to myself how I know I could be a scarily good boyfriend if I had half the chance (and my mood was good; if I try for things, I'm awesome at them, but most of the time I don't apply myself....just like in high school).
Maybe my problem is I'm too picky. Not really so much in the looks department when it comes to girls (men now....whoo....so picky with men), but in personality and demeanor. At the risk of being too honest, my biggest turn offs are if she uses drugs, and if she's not a virgin. I am not and probably never will be okay with the use of recreational drugs. Not pot smoking, and not even drinking (alcohol is considered a drug) in excess. 'Party' girl is not my girl. 'Slut' is not my girl either. I'm not saying that every girl who's had sex is a slut, but I definitely feel different about girls who have and who have not.
The weird thing is I know that the emphasis on virginity was a by-product of Puritan religions, IE- super Christian forefathers of America's founders. I can only imagine people going 'what?' because I pretty much reject every other major religious (ahem-CHRISTIAN) ideal. Sex didn't become a taboo kind of thing til Christianity. Most of the oldest, more pagan religions were way more sexually open. So I don't really know why that one thing really sticks to me.
I'm not trying to lecture anyone. I'm not trying to put anyone off, or allude to anyone. It's just how I feel.
I also feel tired. I feel like I work but nothing really gets done. I had a lot of money saved up...then suddenly it all went away. Just gas, I guess, plus that one day when I blew a tire unexpectedly AND locked my keys in the car on the same day. That was suck, even though the day as a whole was pretty ace.
I feel like I was just destined for more.
Gerard Way once said something about how they grew up with "the Jersey mentality"- the 9 to 5, punch-clock lifestyle. You go to work, find some girl to fuck, and repeat. That was life, that was what you aimed for in a strange way. I guess he meant something normal. East coasters are highly blue collar after all. I get it though. It's not a bad life. If you find your thing, your girl, your happy place, then you're set.
I just think that will never be me. I want more. I want to bring the people in my life more.